Ramblings on Life.

So we split up last night :( I guess that’s it. Everything that went unsaid doesn’t need saying anymore. It doesn’t matter anymore. Heartbroken, completely.

Rough Weekend.

He went out saturday night with his friends. That wasn’t what bothered me. I wasn’t fussed about him going out, I’d told him to go out and have a good time. But, when it came down to him leaving his house I got the ‘Right, i’ll speak to you tomorrow’. Which was a but rude, but whatever. Later on in the evening he started messaging me again, as he wanted a mobile number from me. It somehow led to another discussion on us. Which he wasn’t happy about. He told me not to send him texts like that tonight. Kept saying he’d talk to me about it all the next day. I thought, fair enough, i’ll drop it. At the end of the night he says he just wants to see me happy again. I would’ve still been happy if it wasn’t for him.

Then, sunday, he says he’s going to the pub again at 2.30-ish. All day, I hear barely anything from him. I assume he’ll be home at some point in the evening and that I’ll talk to him then. This doesn’t happen. It gets to about 9.30 and I’m fuming at how he’s seemed to avoid me all day. I send a quite bitter and sarcastic text: ‘Oh and thankyou, by the way, for making the effort to talk to me today like you’d said you would last night. Really makes me feel even better about the whole situation…’

Turns out. He didn’t even fucking remember saying we’d talk about it today. Let alone him saying that he’d call me. He uses the excuse of ‘I’d rather talk about it in person’. But if that’s so, then why, in person, does he never bring up our current problems? He NEVER mentions it, he just pretends everything is perfectly fine. At this point, I tell him I can’t cope anymore, that I’m done with it all.

What does he do? Ignores it. That’s right. You tell someone you’re at your breaking point and he doesn’t even reply. Not only me that thinks thats bang out of order? He was too wankered to care. I spent the rest of my night crying my eyes out, completely falling apart. When I finally fell asleep at 3am, there was still no reply.

I expected to wake up to an apology over how much of a twat he’d been to me over the weekend. No such text appeared. He did make the move of saying he’d come and see me through the week, which shows he must have either remembered or re-read our texts… and just wasnt bothered about the ones in which he was being a dick. Sober, he was willing to hear my feelings, even over text. This led to a range of bitter replies on how he didnt give a shit before so why should he now. He stopped texting then.

Later on, he tells me he’ll come see me wednesday. Also follows a range of texts he sent through the afternoon, obviously trying to make some kind of amends. Well, that or just trying to stop me from murdering him on sight on wednesday:

‘You better believe me when i say i never wanted us to ever be like this’ - You must be a pretty sick person to want to be like this in a relationship. Pointless text. Of course I know that. Either way, if you didn’t ever want us to be like this, then you shouldn’t have done it. Simple.

‘These things just happen and it sucks beyond anything. ive been on the wrong side of situations like this so many times and its horrible i know. Noone to blame but myself’ - That’s right. Something I hadnt mentioned before. He’s been cheated on before in a long term relationship. He’s also had a girl chose another guy over him after telling him that she’d pick him. He’s experienced this feeling a number of times. You’d think that would make him less likely to ever do that to someone wouldn’t you? The fact that he knows exactly how it feels to be in this situation. It also makes it that slight bit more painful for me. I just think it’s absolutely disgusting that he can sit there and say he knows how much it hurts a person and fucks them over BUT can still face doing it to me.

‘I know it comes across as otherwise, but i do care about how you feel’ - It really doesn’t feel like it anymore. Not much more needs to be said. I don’t see how he can care about me anymore if he couldn’t pull up enough feelings and emotion about me at that moment when he was with her. If he couldn’t remember me and his feelings for me, and stop himself, then I doubt he’s going to care enough to fight for this relationship.

Wednesday will either prove or disprove this point. I’ll be telling him that he has a few days to make his decision, and if he doesn’t, then i’ll be taking the decision out of his hands… And he’ll lose me.

It’s scary to think that by the end of the week, I could have lost someone who I care about so much. Its hard to even contemplate how much I could be losing.

And God-damn-it. What do you know. I’m crying again.

Stop being such a twat to me. You’re going to lose everything.

I wish I could tell you exactly how I feel…

The most difficult thing in the world is not being able to let him know everything I’m thinking. I don’t want to fuck with his mind and cloud over his judgement with my feelings. I feel like, if I keep on at him about how I feel, he’s just going to feel bad about how I am and that’s going to alter the decision.

Selfish of me, I do want to make him want to be with me again, but I know it’s not right, so I refuse to let myself do it. So that’s why I’m holding all my feelings back. Well, that and some of them are so crazy that I think he’d say I was insane if I told them.

Maybe one day, I’ll give him this blog, and he can see what was going through my mind. I don’t know. My mind’s so messed up that so much of this is just pointless rambling.

Anyway. If he does read this some day… This is how I feel:

Sometimes I feel as though I’ve already lost you. As though I already know what the outcome of all this is, and that you’re not going to want me in the end.

But sometimes, usually when I see you in person, I feel as though everything is back to how it should be. I forget everything momentarily, purely because I’m just so happy to have the old you back.

Sometimes, when you kiss me, I can’t help but think about her, and what you’ve done. I have to stop myself from crying because of it. Those are the moments where I remind myself that everythings not right again, it’s not back to how it should have been - because that will take time… a lot of time.

I know you don’t love me anymore. But I daren’t even tell you that I know it. Because I feel like that’s the point when we admit defeat. Admit it’s all done with.

I feel like you don’t care about me anymore, a lot of the time.

I feel like, when we’re not speaking, it’s because you’re speaking to her or thinking about her. Sometimes I even get paranoid and consider that maybe at some point you’ve been spending time with her. I know this is wrong, but I can’t keep it out of my head. It’s the most pointless thought ever.

I hate it when you say sorry. I know you’re sorry. But saying you’re sorry just isn’t enough. It doesn’t explain a half of it.

I wish you’d just open up to me about everything. Tell me how you feel, what kind of situation you’re in at the moment. And actually do this face to face. I want to see how you feel, I want to try understand.

Even if it’s just once, I’d like to see you break down like I do. I want to see you hurting as much as I am. You tell me it’s hurting you and that it’s hard on you, but I’ve never seen that, so how am I supposed to believe it.

I don’t know how I’m managing to keep going. I’ve been at the end of my tether for a while now, and I’m just hanging on each day. Telling myself that tomorrow will be the day you decide. But it never is. And I’m beginning to feel like it never will be.